Just a fun, light hearted look at some of the things I've learned in my couple of weeks in the hospital.
A hospital roommate is exactly the same as a university roommate. There is the bookish kind - the quiet, introspective, buried in their headsets or Kindles. There is the social, party kind - the person who talks to anyone and everyone about anything and everything. There is the attached kind - the one whose boyfriend never leaves. The best roommate is the private room.
Hospital modesty is an oxy-moron. Life is much more relaxed if you can be okay with your butt hanging out the back of your gown. Invest in some sexy granny panties or glow in the dark boxers and realize how much better your butt looks than most of the people around you :)
Elimination - the focus is on elimination. Nothing you can do to change that. If you ain't peeing and pooping, they're prodding. Enough said.
Befriend the cleaning staff - they are under-appreciated and often ignored. A few kinds words and some recognition will get you a super clean bathroom, fresh linens whenever you want, and they have the connections to get anything done for you. And they're nice people just trying to make an honest living.
The crazy guy can be very entertaining. As long as he's not your roommate.
Walk that line between "friendly" and "friends" with the nurses. "Friendly" gets you help when you need it, even if they're busy. "Friend" gets you their life story. Unless you have an iPod or are really good at feigning sleep, you are a captive audience. Their life story is interesting the first time around, but it gets old. Fast.
Get yourself a dealer. Everyone needs a dealer (or dealers) who will smuggle in food and snacks because hospital food sucks. If you are learning how to walk, smuggled booze is not recommended.
Headphones/earplugs are golden. Loud talkers are not.
Hospital staff are like people everywhere. There are the stupid ones, the lazy ones, the ignorant ones, the angry ones, the bitter ones, the hard working ones, the nice ones, and the superstars. Pray that you may be blessed with few of the stupid kind. Especially if there is poking, prodding or staple removal required
Your friends and family are quiet, polite and respectful. Everyone else's are not.
If you are classic Type A ... manage your own healthcare. They may think you are nuts when you write down every test result, every drug you take, and all your elimination successes, and keep them in an excel spreadsheet. But they're busy, and while they have processes to avoid forgetting ... it happens. If you're Type B, then just go with the flow and you'll probably recover faster than us neurotic Type A's :)
Always lock your wheelchair before you try to get in it. If you think your friends are bad for pulling a chair out from under you when you sit down, you should see a wheelchair pull that party trick. Lots of blood, pissed off nurses and the cleaning staff will hate you (See note above re: befriending the cleaning staff).
Get a hobby. You can only get so much sleep, meals, exercise and time spent doing daily necessities. The rest of the day in the hospital will kill you with boredom. Valid hobbies do not include recording your neighbour when she's being an idiot, going all Dr House around the hospital, pressing random call buttons or drag racing wheelchairs. Those will get you kicked out.
Nurses come in both genders and cross-gender nursing is the new normal. You get who you get on shift that day. Accept it up until your level of comfort for the procedure being done. If you aren't comfortable, say so and usually they can work around it (see note: re "friendly" with the nurses). If it's shower time, let their hotness be your guide :)
And as crazy as things are, at least you're not on the wacky ward.
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