Home on a Weekend Pass

When my SO asked if there was such a thing as a weekend pass, my instinctive reaction was "NO". But I told him I'd ask.  It turns out there IS such a thing. 

I was interested in my reaction ... Why did I not want there to be weekend passes?  Why did I not want to take advantage of it? I'm in a hospital, isn't it everyone's goal to get out? Reflection revealed fear.  Interesting.

The environment in the rehab ward of a hospital is very secure.  Very safe. Very familiar in a now unfamiliar world.  There are nurses, doctors, physiotherapists, experts ... all available all the time. The facilities are geared to the disabled - smooth floors, no stairs, floor level showers, support bars everywhere, craftmatic-on-steriods beds, tray tables, wheelchairs, walkers, rehab gym.  Everything needed in the new-Sarah world.

Home is the old-Sarah world. Only able-bodied people need apply. The world where I stood, where I walked, where I ran up and down the stairs. The world where I never gave a second thought about being able to do anything.

I'm afraid of new meets old. I'm afraid of facing my old world and missing it desperately. I'm afraid of being hit hard with the reality that I'm disabled and will start to think maybe it's permanent. I'm afraid of losing my positive attitude. I'm afraid I will feel discouraged and defeated when I come back on Monday.

Everyone says it must be exciting to be going home for the weekend.  No.  It's not. I'd rather stay here where I'm safe and secure and know how to get by.

But this will be like all fears - the reality is never as bad as you anticipate. It is also part of the mental game they play here - the experts know full well that people don't like to leave their comfort zone, but that eventually they will be going home. It is better to test out the waters in small doses over day passes and weekends, than it is to be thrown cold turkey back into your home environment.  It is all part of the rehab process.

Going home is terrifying, but it needs to be done.  And there's a steak waiting to be barbequed for me.