Mojo and Forgetting the Pain (But I Still Can't Dance)

523 days. To watch me walk now, you'd never know there is anything wrong.

I gave up the cane during the summer because it was getting in the way of my mojo.  I found that I was wanting to walk faster than I could move the cane, so the cane had to go.  It was a bit of a mental exercise to venture out into the world without it because I knew it was the only signal to the world at large that I have a disability, but I have survived.  I was right to be cautious.  People once again treat me like just any other commuter: GET THE HECK OUT OF MY WAY!  But that's life in a big city, and I'm keeping up just fine.

Stairs are still problematic.  When I'm feeling sassy-confident, I'll try the stairs "no hands", but for the most part I need to hold onto the handrail for both up and down.  And most importantly, I have to be looking at my feet.  I tried carrying a basket of laundry down the stairs the other day - that wasn't such a good plan. I didn't go ass over tea kettle or anything like that, but I couldn't see over the pile of laundry, so I didn't know when my foot was actually on the step.  Lack of touch sensation will do that to you.

The numbness, tingling and quasi-pain.  My 24/7 constant companion. My brain hasn't figured out yet that those signals are imposters, sending false reports that something is wacky and needs to be corrected.  Nothing is wacky ... just the nerve system itself.  I'd love an "off" switch for that, thank you very much.  But with a refusal to be medicated (does such medication even exist?), I'm stuck with the constant ringing of false alarms.   A cool side note ... if I rub my hand on my thigh, the ball of my foot tingles, but unfortunately not in a good way.  A second cool side note ... every now and then I forget about the pain.  Not for long periods of time, but I am starting to have moments when I can focus on something else and my brain blocks out the sensations.  I'm looking forward to having more and more of those moments.

I haven't run (my Sports Med axed that idea), I haven't found a good work/workout/domestic life/rest balance and the tingling drives me crazy, but I am chipping away at my list of things to regain.  I can run across the street if I have to (it's not pretty, but it works), I can balance on one foot, I can walk backwards and I'm not totally shattered by 8pm.

I can't dance yet, but maybe one day I will.

If this surgery has happened to you, please feel free to reach out to me any time at sarahependymoma@gmail.com.  There are so few of us out there, and we can learn so much from each other.