Happy 4th surgiversary to me.
For me there has been a huge transition from year three to year four. While my physical issues and abilities are all the same as they were at year three, I am closer to mentally coming to terms with my disabilities. Really, truly, coming to terms with them, not just putting on a happy face and coping for those around me.
I have fewer and fewer days when I am resentful and angry about my issues and the constant neuropathy - the constant pain and tingling in my legs. While my body constantly reminds me and the physical feelings are relentless, my mental health is stronger and I am coping much better.
And, I must admit, my disabilities are not obvious to anyone who isn't looking for it, so I have some interesting conversations ... If I am at a dinner party where the seating arrangements are "cozy" I try to ensure someone I know is seated to my right. Nothing quite like telling a stranger "oh, I really didn't intend to send you any signals by rubbing my leg up against you all night. I can't, actually, feel anything, and I didn't know I was doing it". Usually met with a look of serious scepticism.
I rarely wear skirts anymore ... when you don't know where one of your legs is at any given moment, you end up accidentally doing some serious man-spreading. "oh, apologies for my movie star impression of showing you what colour panties I am wearing today!" But hey ... at least I'm wearing them :)
I also stare down my share of people when walking up and down stairs. The number of people who insist that they MUST walk down the side of the stairs where I am holding the rail is ridiculous (and don't get me started on how many of them are texting and oblivious to life around them). So I have learned to:
Stop.
Step Aside.
Stand Still.
Let them Pass.
Step back to the rail.
And continue.
I am not risking the fall for anyone. Apologies to anyone behind me (but not really).
I have learned to see the humour in those situations. Not the laugh-at-myself-before-someone-else-does sense of humour, but to see the truly funny side. To explain my situation to those people who are genuine, and to ignore everyone else.
To anyone who has been diagnosed or recently been through the trauma - I can tell you - it gets better. I swear it does. My kids have gone off to post-secondary education and their own adult lives, and I accepted a great work transfer half way around the world.
I spent today in Bordeaux, on business.
Four years on, life is good.
