Bath, Bed and a Bad Day - Home Visit Day 2

My bed may not be Craftmatic-on-steroids like the hospital bed, but it is certainly more comfortable. Softer, cushier, bigger and more familiar - I will confess to sleeping well. And I am glad I bothered to wash all the linens before I left so that everything was clean and fabric softener fresh for me.  Ahhhh.

But a comfy, familiar bed did not stop the predictable emotional reaction to being back in the old world. The sadness, the overwhelming feeling of loss, the "I'm tired of the hard work", the confirmation that this house is designed for the able bodied. Having to find my way into a bathroom where the door is too narrow for both the walker and the wheelchair. The slap-me-in-the-face realization of how little independence I have here.  I'm trapped.  I can't go outside without help. I'm not supposed to use my walker without help because I'm a fall risk. I can't drive. I can't walk. I can't cook. My world here is my living room and my bedroom.  It's awful. It's depressing. I'm not happy here. I have no morale to do the self rehab.  My fears of coming home this weekend were not unfounded.

Unless there is a miracle of progress, I'm not ready to come home in 10 days. 

Someone suggested to me that I push the medical system to move me to a rehab place that specializes in spinal injury.  At the time I scoffed at the suggestion ... no, I'll be fine ... I will have made enough progress. I have the perfect attitude to do the work on my own.  Yeah.  Wrong.  That will be my first discussion with the neurosurgeon and the rehab team when I get back.

My SO is cheerfully willing to help me in any way he can while we're here - I just have to ask. He is trying hard to cheer me up, to make it a happy weekend.  We've had visitors, who have been happy to see me and tell me that I've made huge progress. Who remind me that is has only been 18 days since surgery and that nerves take months to heal.  Everyone is in my corner ... I just need to get there too.

For now I will stick out the rest of the weekend ... exercise the discipline to work through my initial reaction to see if it is just reaction or if being home is a huge step in the wrong direction.